So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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