i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
