i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
