I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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