I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
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i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
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