dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
