I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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