Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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