u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
