6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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