Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
