I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
