I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
