so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
