Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
