Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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