im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Send us your Text From Last Night!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
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