i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
