dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
