so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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