My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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