how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
