I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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