What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
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