Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
