Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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