after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
