my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
