I want to have your abortion
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
