There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
