yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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