No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
