My sheets look like a crime scene.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
