and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
