No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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