I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
