i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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