If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
