This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
