My room smells like vodka and shame
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
