Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
