haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Text me some of your sweat
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
