Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
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ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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