I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
