I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
