My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
