I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
