Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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