haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
