I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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