please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
