dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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