apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
