I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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