yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
