false alarm. still invincible.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
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I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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