I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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