i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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